“Symptoms of the New Variant May Include”
By Ethan Kuperberg
- Tiredness (due to thinking about covid-19)
- Anxiety (about catching covid-19)
- Exhaustion (from panicking about covid-19)
- Foot asleep
“I’m the Person ‘Your Song’ by Elton John Was Written for, and I Would Like a Real Gift Instead”
By Tom Smyth
Now, I understand that their gift is their song, but that wasn’t really what I had expected as a housewarming present when I invited Elton John and Bernie Taupin to a party at my new home, especially after I specifically asked them to bring ice.
“Your Personality, Explained by Your Annoying Household Habits”
By Nicole Rose Whitaker
“Mopping” with Your Foot and a Clorox Wipe
You’re a visionary who lives by the maxim “There’s got to be a better way.” And that way is yours.
“The Average Contestant on British Baking Shows vs. the Average Contestant on American Cooking Shows”
By Rebecca Turkewitz
British: Ian’s become known for his ruddy cheeks and big smile, and for always having a carpenter’s pencil tucked jauntily behind one ear.
American: Sarah’s signature look is the thirteen nicotine patches she wears to manage the stress of competition.
“A Few Math Problems for Mothers”
By Kate Tellers
Felix had an accident during nap time and doesn’t have a spare pair of pants at school. If Felix’s father is listed as the primary point of contact on all documents, how many times does the school call his mother?
TIME – Ukrainian President 
Boomers Daily 